After a while of being extremely displeased with the treatment I received from my partners and male peers, I realized that I wanted to make it into a transaction. I wanted to barter things or even take money directly every time I gave a guy what he wanted from me. I felt the need to transactionalize sex very strongly like it was a calling.
I had no idea that what I was thinking of already had a name “prostitution” and there was a whole industry behind it.
For no clear reason I assumed that prostitution was not an option. I mean it didn’t even cross my mind. I don’t know why I was so against it because no one had ever explicitly indoctrinated me to be that way and my parents were never moralistic about sex. I guess one deterrent was the risk of disease, which I now realize is more of a risk in “hooking up” than it is in a proper business exchange. I think in part it has to do with those signs they post up on university campuses, which at my school were in the bathroom and said “1 in 4 college women have herpes.”*
I could have done so much with that time. I already had the idea to do things that were pretty much prostitution. But unfortunately, since people cannot experience every single thing in the world first-hand, they sometimes have to assume that when enough people say something is bad then that really means it is. When other people implied prostitution was bad, I believed it.
*I just tried to search for a photo of it and Google gave me a bunch of other “1 in 4 college women has” statistics including HPV, STDs in general, and “cooties.”