A letter I wrote to Seventeen while I was sitting around waiting for calls, which he’ll probably never respond to

I try really hard to keep the stress and drama away from you [as you have specifically requested in the previous email] but it’s very hard for me to tell which things you consider “stress” and “drama.”  In a way, all of my human characteristics (i.e. the things you have to deal with as side effects of the fact that you’d rather fuck a human being than a doll) are stress and drama for you.  I think a lot of what I’ve been worrying about so far in my time of knowing you has been based in my lack of understanding of exactly which parts of that stress and drama you want me to allow to show through and which parts you want me to hide, and how hard you want me to work in hiding those parts considering that hiding it might put extra stress on me and make me more stressful for you in specific ways.  You haven’t realized until now that this is necessary, but it’s a lot of what I’ve been trying to tell you.

I totally understand that you need to keep this stress-free.  It’s not worth doing if it isn’t enjoyable to you (or so I’m assuming; unfortunately I can’t say the same for myself so I’m not certain I understand your reasoning).  I’m sorry that I can’t get another girl to commit days in advance to an appointment with us, but whether she is reliable is not under my control and I’m just trying to make that clear to you.  I actually have no idea whether she’ll be reliable or not but I am just trying to warn you that something about making plans days in advance in this type of transaction (and with this girl) isn’t sitting right with me and I don’t want things to end up falling through and wasting your time.

I also know that I might become very upset if I end up spending the next few days (a) trying to organize something for a coworker who wants me to go behind the boss’s back and/or having to give her extra (which I planned to pay for) to get her to do it the legit way and (b) psyching myself out to do a sexual favor of a nature which I’d be comfortable with if I felt some kind of support from the person I’m doing it for, but which feels wrong when I don’t have that feeling.  I’m putting myself in a lot of bad positions for a lot of people and getting nothing in return.  I meant it the other day when I told you that I genuinely wanted to organize the threesome for you, but that was also when I was believing the things you were saying.  I also don’t want there to be any misunderstandings or disappointments about the nature of my (possible) enjoyment, which I cannot guarantee for you.  I am happy to give you my body and my time and presence for threesome, but it seems like that is not enough for you.   Of course I would keep up the act during your paid hour but I can’t promise whether it will be sexually exciting for me.  I also can’t guarantee that I will feel okay with it afterward; it might be the last thing I do for you.

I know I have to barter when it comes to things like this, for the exact reasons you’ve stated.  At the same time, I don’t know how to make the best sexual experience for you if I don’t talk about certain things.  I’ve learned not to expect respect of all my efforts (which is why I seemed both frustrated and slightly distant when we were talking the other night and in the car in the morning; I am both unprepared for that type of conversation and also will not allow myself to get prepared because I expect you to cut it off at any moment).  So I have to ask that if you respond to any of this, you respond to the first paragraph and tell me, for stress reduction purposes, exactly which parts of my humanness you want to show through so that you know you’re fucking a conscious person and which parts of me you want to be robotic.  (You have to understand that I also have to take my own measures in order to make this happen, so it won’t be perfect.)  This is something that I’ve been working out for a long time; I can’t promise you that it works because no one has ever allowed me to get to this point of asking it (just as you have been telling me I’m wrong this whole time), but obviously you need me to ask it, if you expect me to be stress-free.  So just answer the question.  I’m not sure that this is the right way but if this isn’t right then nothing is and there is no such thing as a “stress free fuck relationship,” at least not with someone who will satisfy your ego to feel like you’re fucking a real, whole person.
1 comment
  1. I just rediscovered I had a working wordpress account after migrating over to my own site and this was the first blog I revisited. Your writing – priceless. I hope you end up doing something really creative and awesome with these recorded blips and experiences because this (all of it) needs to be etched into the collective human psyche. Brilliant work, madame.

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